30 Years

3 decades ago, something happened that forever changed the trajectory of how I interacted with people, the beliefs that I held about relationships, and the fear that consumed me when addressing something I thought might lead to conflict.

When I was younger (much, much younger), a friend had an argument with someone, said very hurtful things, and the person passed away very unexpectedly immediately after. I took it, mistakenly, as a reminder as to why you should not say things that would lead to conflict, tension, or other unpleasant feelings with another person, and if it was almost unavoidable to say these things, you should always make sure you let the other person know how much you care about them before parting.

As an adult, I am able to recognize that this is not realistic... at least in relationships you want to last. The superficial avoidance of conflict and tension in a relationship is not appropriate many times. If you want to engage fully in any type of relationship, it is imperative that you have difficult conversations. If you and another person disagree, it is possible to do it in a way that may introduce tension into the relationship, but this tension is often the thing that propels us to conclude those conversations.

I tell people all the time that if you have never had a disagreement or argument with a partner, family member, or friend, someone is not being honest in the relationship. Now, this is not an encouragement to go start conflict but it is a reminder to have difficult conversations.

30 years is the stark reminder to me that we hold on to unnecessary things, especially those that were never ours to begin with, is another facet of this subject. Why do we carry things that are not ours to hold? For sure, the information should be taken as data points of how to, or in many cases how not to, interact with others. It should not be something that prevents you from being authentic, which is really what most people want out of relationships. The authentic you.

My therapist has used something called the Proclamation of the Soul. I use it now to let go of the heavy burden I have carried over the past 30 years.

I bless you and release you.

I bless you and release you.

I bless me and release me from you.

I bless me and release me from you.

And I pray you safely home.

And I pray you safely home.