Stress and the Holidays

I hear over and over and over that the Holidays are "the best time of the year." And they may very well be, especially for people who grew up in families that were not dysfunctional, have plenty of money, and feel a sense of belonging with a certain group. I do not happen to work with a lot of people who fall into this category.

Instead, I see a lot of folks who feel the Holidays are actually the most painful time of the year. The loneliness they feel grows more inflated until it feels like it is swallowing them whole. Outside of this, I also hear that they do not feel they have the right to communicate boundaries, they do not have the ability to say they cannot afford to contribute to buying everyone a gift, and they do not have the desire to continue fabricating their side of a relationship that is superficial at best, fake and hurtful at the worst.

So how do these people survive this in-your-face scorching light and sound fest each year?

It depends. As a therapist, we often create a Cope Ahead plan from DBT (see blog post about ABC PLEASE here). You know, the type of plan for coping that is created ahead by educated guesses or even fears of how things could go wrong. If Aunt Mary gets drunk every year and falls asleep in the mashed potatoes, it's probably a solid guess that Aunt Mary will get drunk again and fall asleep in the mashed potatoes. Coping Ahead says ok, how do we wish to respond to this, and I can imagine myself responding skillfully in the moment so that when Aunt Mary gets drunk and falls asleep in the mashed potatoes, my brain recognizes the situation and is already working to move in a skillful way because I envisioned myself responding skillfully. Then we problem solve around what might prevent this from actually working.

We also often forget to do this for ourselves. I know, I know, therapists are some of the worst folks out there about telling people how to be healthy and skillful, and then fail to implement these own techniques into our own lives. For example, I am typically the one at Thanksgiving to bring up the "off limits" topics, simply because I forget what topics are appropriate and what are not. After the first half of the week of squeezing in as much processing and coaching, I am definitely worn out and ready to connect to others. Or not connect. Honestly, each year is different in terms of what I need for my own wellbeing.

A joke I often hear is that if you offend people at Thanksgiving, you won't have to worry about additional gifts at Christmas. That's a great joke, but in reality most people are spending the time leading up to Christmas worrying about being able to afford things, worrying about whether they can repair that relationship, and worrying about the flood of negative and often traumatic memories that will soon be overwhelming them when it comes to the topics of the Holidays. Add in other things like food insecurity, medication insecurity, housing insecurity, employment insecurity, and health concerns since the COVID pandemic, and this is a recipe for "how to try to avoid all things holiday related."

In January with the new year, we are all reminded that things start over. Sometimes they start over in a beautiful way, like a caterpillar breaking out of that cocoon. Sometimes they start over like the film Groundhog's Day, where Bill Murray is overcome by having to relive the same situation again, over and over.

It's also a great reminder that we can sort through the pain, joy, fear, and sadness of the year before and let go of things that no longer serve us. Things that once seemed like wonderful ideas and additions but now are an albatross around our necks sinking us.

What things will you let go of? What things no longer serve you but are so meaningful to you that you won't let go of, even if it hurts? What are the things you need to prepare for?